Daddy Is Tired

We were watching some ice thing on the Olympics last night.  I think it was pairs figure skating, but it might have been ice dancing.  When I asked Sharon she told me…obviously I don’t care that much…but I asked what the difference between pairs figure skating and ice dancing was.

She began trying to explain about the “different kinds of jumps, different turns, the…”

My eyes glazed over.  All I know is that in both “sports” (yes they’re in fantastic shape, but sorry…it’s not a sport*):

• The men wear “fancy” outfits.
• The women wear outfits that look skimpy but aren’t.
• They do crazy things on skates that normal people can’t do.
• They skate around to music I’d never EVER listen to.
• The announcers’ comments are so stupid they actually lower your IQ.

Yep, the two sound wildly different, dont’ they?  I suppose it’s entertaining to have on in the background, but the only thing I really enjoy about fancy ice skating in the Olympics is getting to hear people say “Dick Button” on TV because…well, if I have to explain it, forget it.

*Don’t worry, I’m not just picking on ice skating – there are lots of “activities” at the Olympics that aren’t “sports.”

It’s never a good sign when the caller ID shows the kids’ school, especially during naptime.

They told me E had been complaining about a stomachache all day.  The school is pretty good about not calling right away for vague complaints, so she must have been complaining a LOT. I suspected she just needed to poop* since she hadn’t gone over the weekend, but they said she didn’t need to go.

It was about 1/2 hour before M was scheduled to wake from his nap, so I told them to distract her and I’d pick them both up then.  I got there and found E whimpering on a couch.  Her belly was huge, and I KNEW she had to poop, despite her denials.  We packed up her stuff and I tried to get her to go to the bathroom, but nothing happened except a lot of crying out.  And if it was going to be one of those “lots of complaining” poops, it was best to take it home.

I tried to get M, but he didn’t want to leave yet, so we left him and went home.  On the way, I warned E that there was going to be no fun…if she’s bad enough to come home early, she’s not going to get to play…she’s going to get on the toilet and try to go.

We got home, she went into the bathroom and I hadn’t even gotten downstairs by the time I heard a very happy singsongy, “Daaaaaadddddyyyyyy….I pooooooooooooped!”

I won’t go in to details, but let me just say WOW.  In fact, I actually told her, “Wow!”  Then I asked why she hadn’t done that at school.

“Because I didn’t want to stink up the bathroom at school.”

*sigh*

_______

* You know I can’t get through a “kid” post without talking about poop or farts.

My kids’ school, particularly my 5yo’s class, has been reading about Martin Luther King for a week.  My daughter would come home telling me about how he was a great man.  How he wanted everyone to be nice to each other.  How we were all equal.  And how one day, a bad man shot him at a hotel.

“In an hour, Martin was dead,” she told me.

This past week we’ve had lots of talks about why someone would want to kill him, but it’s hard to explain to a 5 year old how “the bad man killed Dr. King because he didn’t like what Dr. King was saying.  He didn’t think we were all equal.”  She just doesn’t understand.

So I try to explain that back then, some of the kids in her school wouldn’t be allowed to go.  Some of the teachers wouldn’t be allowed to teach her.  And (fortunately) she doesn’t get it.  She said, “But they’re nice people.  Why wouldn’t they want them to play with me?”

Exactly.

So last Friday, on his birthday, she decided that “Martin” needed a birthday card.  The more she talked about it, she wanted to make a birthday poster instead.  When she was done she taped it up, and we love it.

That's a picture of MLK, the birthday message, and a smiley-face balloon.

Coincidentally, today at lunch she asked me if girls could marry girls and boys could marry boys.  She’s asked that before, and I did the same thing I’ve done in the past.  I lied and told her yes, on the assumption that one day this country will pull its head out of its ass.  One day people will realize that gay rights are civil rights, and that MLK was fighting for that as well.

A note to my relatives:  Stop reading now.  No, seriously.  Stop now.  There are some things you can never unlearn, and this is one of them.

The other day I was trying to figure out how to make an easy dessert using pudding and a can of crushed pineapple.  I knew you mixed them together, but couldn’t remember if you added anything else to the mix.  And, like I do whenever I’m stumped, I turned to The Google.  You can try this experiment too (unless you’re related to me, in which case, I’m warning you…just click the little “x” up there to close this page).

Hit Google.  Start typing “pudding” and watch what comes up as a suggestion as you finish typing.

ZOMG

That’s right.  Pudding farts.  The FIRST suggestion, for goodness’ sake.

Now, I’m an intellectual.  So of course I had to go see what a pudding fart is.  It was purely for research, not because I’ll look at absolutely anything online.  And lord knows I’ve seen just about everything online.  Sometimes I feel like every link I click on steals a little piece of my soul.  Anyhow, I’ll spare you the details, but let’s just say it’s not as awful as you may think, and yet it’s even weirder than you may think too.  God, people are bizarre.

I’ll give you a minute to check it out.

And now if you need to clean pudding farts (or the related meatloaf farts, cake farts, or heaven forbid chocoteeth which I hope you didn’t watch because ZOMG MAKE IT STOP) out of your head, here are some cute puppies for you to enjoy instead.

I suppose I should start the post by saying I accidentally typed “It’s Been So Loin” the first time around.  Oops!  Paging Dr. Freud.

So this is my first post of the new year (here at least), and guess what – NOTHING IS NEW.  I know, it’s a shock.  Things are still going well with the kids, the wife, the exercise…well, if you don’t count my knee issues.  I knew it would only last for so long, although it’s a different problem than I’ve ever had.  I have an appointment on Thursday to find out what tendon or ligament is doing funny things to me.  Fortunately it’s not causing any knee instability or weakness…it just feels weird when I straighten it all the way.

Anyway, I wish I had more exciting stuff to write.  Or maybe I don’t.  Sometimes boring is good.

My Fashion Experts - I have no idea how I have nothing interesting to write with them around!

There are so many “best of” lists I figured I’d better get one out too.  So in no particular order, here are my favorite years of the 21st century (so far).

1. 2001
2. 2002
3. 2003
4. 2004
5. 2005
6. 2006
7. 2007
8. 2008
9. 2009

It’s too bad that 2000 wasn’t in the running, but it missed the cutoff by one day.  Too bad, 2000.

During Ellie’s darkest days of the past few months, she said some really strange things.  Before we knew about the things she was hearing at school, we had no idea what was prompting such horrible thoughts.  Sometimes she’d pop out a one-liner, like “Whenever I have to go to the bathroom it feels like I have a stick in my crotch.”  (Um, yeah, does that make you worry about the same thing we did?)

Occasionally she’d sit there, staring into space, and tell us a longer story.  Often this was in bed, and she’d be imagining something like getting hit by a car, or being trapped in a house that was on fire.  It was always very detailed, and was pretty scary stuff for a 5 year-old to be thinking about in bed.

I’m not sure what made this particular story grab me, but it was the only one I wrote down.  We’d been sitting in our sunroom watching people walk by when a man went by walking his Golden Retriever.  Ellie stared out the window for a while and, without looking away, said:

I’m imagining that man put the dog in a machine to cut his hair, but instead it cut the dog.  The man didn’t know, and when the dog came out it was like a puzzle and the man laughed at it.  Then the man ran over the dog with his car.  Before he got run over, the dog yelled at the man and said, “WOOF” because he was mad.

Ellie’s psychologist told us that Ellie’s next appointment will be her last, and she’ll need to say goodbye.  I know Ellie is going to be heartbroken, and I will be forever grateful to the doctor for how she helped all of us through a horrible time.  Ellie is continuing to do well, and her ups and downs now seem more normal for the 5 year-old crowd.

Based on my writing frequency, I probably won’t post until Christmas.  Heck, it might not even be that soon.  So anyway, Happy Holidays and I hope you’re doing well!

In 2009 I became a runner.  Despite never having run before, I began in May thanks to Kristen and the Shredheads – since then I’ve run 440 miles (yes I keep track).  While I now “enjoy” running for the heck of it, it’s easier to stay motivated when I have a race coming up.

So when a friend (the same one with whom I ran my first race ever) said she was doing a 10K in December, I jumped on board.  We signed up for the Jingle All the Way 10K, billed as an easy course that would be good for setting a personal record.

Race day, 33 degrees and rainy.  Somewhere around 4,000 people showed up for the race…so it was CROWDED.  By the time we got done using the portapotties, the race was about to start.  We were walking toward the start line when we saw people begin running, and it was about 3 minutes after the race started that we finally made it across the start line (thank goodness for chip timing).  Unfortunately, we were still in a solid mass of humanity…I could have picked up my feet and been carried along.

Anyhow, it was completely packed until just after the turnaround.  I did my best weaving around people, and even ran on the grass for some decent stretches, but there were times I just couldn’t get around.  Of course that doesn’t just mess up my time, but it messes up my rhythm and pisses me off as well.  GET OUT OF MY WAY, IDIOTS!

I started to feel pretty tired around mile 4…fortunately there were lots of beautiful women doing the race, and I didn’t want to look like a wimp in front of them.  So I kept running.  By about mile 5 I felt like I might set a personal record, so that kept me going.  In fact, I was sure I was going to beat my previous time by about a minute!  I cruised through the finish line and felt good, so I ran back until I met up with my friend so I could run with her to the finish line as well.  We met up with her family and walked back to the metro, stopping in front of the Lincoln Memorial for a quick picture with the Washington Monument in the background.  It was ridiculously cold and rainy by the end, but it was fun to have a sixth race done in my first year.

Wow, my jacket sure is bright!

Oh yeah, so my beating my previous time by a minute?  I had remembered my previous time incorrectly and ended up missing a personal record by 5 seconds.  FIVE LOUSY SECONDS.  DAMN!

Anyway, to recap the year here are my race results…not bad for someone who’s NEVER run before May 1st!

06-20-2009: Run for the Rainforest 5K: 28:48 (9:16 min/mile)
09-26-2009: Clarendon Day Run 10K: 55:11 (8:53 min/mile)
11-01-2009: Race for a Cause 8K: 43:23 (8:44 min/mile)
11-08-2009: Race Against the Odds 5K, 25:32 (8:13 min/mile)
11-26-2009: Arlington Turkey Trot 5K:, 25:33 (8:13 min/mile)
12-13-2009: Jingle All the Way 10K, 55:16 (8:54 min/mile)

Am I the only one who sees something odd about this picture?

Yes, officer, I can identify Papa Smurf's private parts.

And yes, I had to buy this one instead of the “regular” neti pot simply because the picture was awesome.