A Tiny Scrotum and a Dirty Toilet
I’ll be honest – when Matthew first got potty trained (we’re still daytime only, so it’s not like we’re all done yet) I loved that he sat down to pee, because it meant that most of the time his pee ended up in the toilet. Or at least in front of the toilet or on his clothes, where it was easy to clean up. Sure, it meant that in public he had to put his hands on toilet seats, but that wasn’t so bad. Okay, that was gross, but we wash them anyway.
But alas, my little man is growing up and the other day he wanted to pee standing up. He’d tried briefly a few times before but couldn’t get himself to relax enough to go. This time, however, he reminded me just how much pressure little kids have! The pee went everywhere and he had a huge smile on his face as he turned to me and said, “I’M JUST LIKE YOU, DAD!”
Since then he’s refined his technique and is actually doing really well at getting his pee where it belongs – we haven’t even had to resort to the cheerio technique! Had I thought about things, I never would have asked him if he wanted to do it standing up. Because he’s pretty short. And toilets are pretty tall. So when it comes time to pee, we have a little problem.
He puts all of his junk on the rim of the toilet.
I don’t think he could get more of himself to touch the toilet if he tried. First he pulls his pants and underpants down to his ankles and waddles close to the toilet. Then he grabs a handful of penis and scrotum, lifts everything up while he stands on his toes, tiptoes forward, and plunks everything down on the rim. Then, just for good measure, he leans WAY forward so his thighs are resting on the toilet too, and he puts his hands toward the back of the rim (apparently he’ll be one of those guys who pees with no hands). If I weren’t there to prevent it, he’d probably try to rest his forehead on the back of the toilet. It really is quite a spectacle.
The upside is that since he’s practically laying flat on the toilet, all the pee goes where it should.
That’s the good. The bad comes when he needs to pee when we’re out. Because, unlike at home where I can Clorox wipe everything clean before he goes, public bathrooms are…well…you know. And do you have ANY idea how grossed out I am by public toilets? Seriously, have you looked at a men’s room lately?
So when we were at the grocery store the other day, he decided to go. I used more wipes to clean the toilet than I would have wiping his butt, but at least I couldn’t see any cooties moving when he did his routine. I closed my eyes and prayed, and when he was done he was really pleased with himself. Then, for good measure, when he was done he leaned over and gave me a big hug. With his toilety hands.
Does anyone want to buy a shirt and some pants? If not, I’m going to have to burn them.
nice image. i can totally see my little guy doing this in a few months. it was laughing and laughing….
OMG – I cannot stop laughing! Thank you for that.
That is so freakin’ hilarious! Nice descriptives too! I have two daughters so this… just sounds cute to me.
Oh the differences between boys and girls!
Oh my. As the mom of a five month old boy, I’m not looking forward to potty training. That is just hilarious. As Elaine said “I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things.”
That’s hysterical. Brings back memories. My son still holds onto the seat while it’s in the upright position when he pees, so he’s leaning into the toilet. Lovely.
okay I don’t know you, just wandered here from mel’s box of chocolates but I have to tell you that I read your post to my hubby and we both howled at the thought of your little guy doing this routine! Our little man is 3 1/2 and he does somewhat the same thing – only he stands on his stool and leans way forward to reach the back of the toilet seat. This ensures that he gets his pee IN the toilet. we haven’t quite mastered the standing when we are out.. I have on occasion been known to pick him up and lean him forward myself so that I don’t have to sit him on the seat.
Thanks for a great laugh tonight!!