Daddy Is Tired

Last night got to a pretty predictable start.  We were trying to get out the door trick or treating, and one or more of  the kids threw a tantrum.  By the time we opened the door to leave, the hordes were beginning to descend upon our village, and despite our best efforts to convince them we weren’t home, the open door and light being turned on may have given us away.  At least we had good candy to give away…none of that crappy non-chocolate stuff!

Anyway, we finally got going and the promise of free candy magically made the tantrums go away!  The story is boring – the kids had a great time, they collected more chocolate than I ever did as a kid (when did everyone stop giving out crappy candy?), and we spent the last hour of the evening at a friend’s house watching the kids have a great time.

And now, with every keystroke, my keyboard is getting chocolatier and chocolatier.

Our Scary Skeleton (thanks to Matthew)

Our Super Heroes

Amazingly, this pose was Sharon's idea!

With all the nieces and nephews around on our family vacation, “Uncle Mike” (that’s his real name, but it looks neater in quotes) decided it would be a good idea to take the kids on a snipe hunt.  For those of you that don’t know, it’s a term for a wild goose chase.  You convince the “suckers,” which in this case were 8 or 9 little kids, that there is an animal called a snipe.  It’s very hard to find, but oh so worth it.

“Uncle Mike” took a small group of the kids out early in the day looking for it, and although the kids didn’t find one they were REALLY excited about it.   So much so, that when they got back someone googled a snipe.  And guess what?

It’s a real damn bird, people!

A Snipe - Who Knew?

According to wikipedia (yeah, I should probably find a real reference for this), they’re so hard to hunt that they are the inspiration for the word “sniper.”  That just got them even more fired up about it, so when it got dark they all went out – and this time Ellie and Matthew (accompanied by Sharon) tagged along.  Everyone grabbed sticks, “just in case.”  Off they went, sneaking through the woods looking for a snipe.  God, I wish I’d taken a picture!

When they got back, we got the kids ready for a bath.  Matthew was VERY excited, and after he got naked for the bath he was reenacting the hunt.  He was more animated than I’ve ever seen him, gesturing wildly while he told us how exciting it was.  No, they didn’t find one, but he said they came close.  They did see a snake and a bug, though.  Oh, and they heard a lot of barking spiders, too.

Gross, “Uncle Mike.”

[Note: "Uncle Mike" isn't me - really!  I'd proudly claim the barking spiders as my own.]

The first full day we were in Pacific Grove, the whole family went to the Monterey Bay Aquarium.  It was a typical day at a museum:

• 10:30 – Arrive at museum, go in.
• 10:35 – Ellie starts begging for snacks.
• 10:40 – Ellie starts begging to go home.
• 10:41 – I get mad, hilarity ensues.

On our way to inquire about penalties for ditching the kids, we stopped at the play area – not the splash one, but the one with a slide and rocking toys.  Oh, it was worth the price of admission to see the kids play on things that we can use for free ANYWHERE ELSE.  Ellie also got to put on a fish suit that’s seen more little kids than Michael Jackson’s bedroom.

What, too soon?

But we weren’t at the aquarium to have fun, so we dragged them outside to see “Watt a Waste!”  It sounds good, right?  “Mad scientist Dr. Malgasto thrives wherever energy is being wasted in people’s homes. Join us in this musical play to discover how we can all stop his dastardly deeds!”  OK, no, but we didn’t read the description until later.

Besides Dr. Malgasto, there was a woman dressed up in what appeared to be Sharon’s pajamas and a talking penguin who hung out in the woman’s bedroom.  The woman might have been a kid, or she might have just been slow, but she didn’t seem to always see the penguin.  She also had control over the thermostat and various appliances.  After she cranked everything up, Dr. Malgasto used jumper cables to bring out freaky energy dragons.  The penguin told the girl to turn things off and live right and use reusable bags and buy hybrid cars and vote Democratic.  Or something like that.

The whole thing was what an acid trip must be like, and I still have flashbacks.  But I did learn one thing – if there’s a talking penguin in your room, you’d better listen to it.  Even better, it entranced the kids, and they didn’t even ask any questions later.  Which is more than I can say for the time that Sharon put them in front of Tom and Jerry, thinking it was a good show for a 2 and 4 year old since “it was a cartoon.”

Months later and I’m still asked on a weekly basis why Tom wanted Jerry to get stuck in the trumpet!

(clicky click to biggerfy the pics)

When we left for our vacation, we were a bit concerned.  Our last major flight didn’t exactly go off without a hitch, and we certainly didn’t want a repeat of THAT.  The drive to the airport was full of prayers, and as we got closer, we realized how difficult parking the car and checking in with two kids was going to be.  After all, we had:

• 2 car seats
• 3 suitcases
• 2 computers and backpacks
• 1 big duffel carry on, loaded with kids junk
• 2 kids’ backpacks
• 1 double stroller
• 2 kids’ aerobeds

We planned to pack one aerobed into each car seat bag, but that still left us with 11 separate items to drag around when we got there.  Jesus, what were we thinking?  When we got there, I did what any smart parent would do.

I dumped everyone and everything (except my computer, are you nuts?) off at the curb and got the hell out of there to park the car.

Row 51G (in the gold lot) at Dulles was so far out that I felt like I was parking at home, and it took so long that I expected to find three grouchy people waiting for me to check in.  Fortunately, there had been a JetBlue skycap there who checked all of our luggage in for Sharon while I was parking the car.  He even got my boarding pass even though I wasn’t there.  That’s comforting.

Security was remarkably easy, considering we had two children who wouldn’t let go of Sharon.  And 500 little plastic TSA buckets full of computers, shoes, jackets, etc.  We made it to the gate with plenty of time to spare, and I headed off to find the nearest facilities – 3 Diet Mountain Dews and I’ve got a full bladder all morning.  My favorite part of the trip was when I came back from the bathroom.  Sharon said really loudly in front of everyone waiting for the flight, “Did you pee?”  I guess we’re a bit too used to taking 2- and 4-year olds to the bathroom, because at first I didn’t even realize that’s a weird question to ask an adult.  If you’re interested, though, the answer was “yes.”

We got on the plane, and let me tell you – pay extra for the extra legroom seats on JetBlue.  I had TONS of room, and it was the best $25/seat I ever spent.  The flight went smoothly, although I didn’t realize that Sharon had given the kids each a 1 liter bottle of water at the beginning of the flight.  1/2 hour later both bottles were both empty, and the both bladders were full – the kids became very familiar with the airport lavatory.  But they did great (no nap, but at least they were happy), and even a couple of people commented on how great they were.  Thank goodness for headphones and TV at every seat.

One of the benefits to not letting the kids watch TV - it works when you need it to.

A short 5 hours after taking off, we landed and made our way to the rental car shuttle with all of our junk.  I looked forward to getting our “Toyota Sienna (or equivalent) with XM Satellite Radio.”

It was a bare bones Kia Sedona with Sirius.

Don’t get me wrong, the Kia Sedona is a fine car.  But when I think of a Sienna, I think of things like power doors and seats.  And Sirius?  No, I wanted XM.  I don’t want Howard, I want Opie and Anthony!  Plus, I don’t know the channel numbers over on Sirius!  Oh, woe is me!  *tiny violins*  Fortunately it drove great and had the LATCH doohickeys to put in the car seats…something the POS American minivan we got last time was missing.

The drive from Oakland to Monterey was also uneventful, except we did see a fire next to the freeway.  And we got to see a helicopter dump water on it.  That was pretty badass.  Other than that it was all freeway, brown plants, and Casa de Fruta billboards.  We made it to my parents’ house to pick up my new toy, and then we drove to Asilomar to visit Sharon’s family.

…to be continued.  Because I know you’re all fascinated.

So sometimes I have to take advantage of the fact that I’m in charge of the food around here.  Most of the time we eat really healthy food, but on Friday I couldn’t stand it. Ellie had the day off school (Matthew’s already done with his), we were going crazy, and I wanted chocolate.

A while ago Roni at Green Lite Bites tweeted about changing this recipe to chocolate, and it had been simmering in the back of my brain long enough.  Using the excuse that the kids need to get more vegetables, I decided to make it – calling them Father’s Day cupcakes, of course.  As a side note, do you know how difficult it is to find canned pumpkin (without the pie spices premixed in) around here in June?  Three stores hard!

Last night was family dinner night.  Well, okay, we try to make every night family dinner night – but Sharon gets home so late on weeknights that they’re always “most of the family” dinner nights.  Saturdays don’t really count since we either go out or bring food in.  Sundays are the real, old-fashioned, homemade family dinner night.

And as usual, when we get all of us together, Ellie’s comments begin early.  This time it was right after I brought dinner to the table.

“Eww…something stinks!  I don’t think it’s the dinner, though.  It’s just a weird smell from the meatballs!”

Umm, good.  I’m glad it’s not dinner then.

“This water is yummy, Dad!” (that was actually Matthew)

Thanks, Matthew. At this point I got a pen and paper because I knew I was going to want to save these gems.

“Hey Dad, what are you writing?”

I’m just writing funny things you say.

“HEY!  I want you to write down ‘etherd’ because it’s one of the funny things we say!”

Um, yeah.  That’s a pretty funny word alright. “Etherd” is kind of like a nice version of the f-word – it’s their universal adjective AND noun, and I have no idea where it came from.  But if you don’t know what to say, say “etherd.”  Anyhow, we made it the rest of the way through dinner without too many more comments.  Then came the topper – usually it’s Ellie who says this, but this time it was Matthew.  We were sitting around just finishing up, and out comes:

“I’m ALMOST going to get sick.”

Okay, you guys can be excused.